Welcome to My Life

So now I can't get back to sleep...

2008-05-26T14:08:02Z

I... I am not doing so well. I am slowly being eaten away by all of the shit in my life and it is really starting to get to me. I just woke up from a terrible dream less than an hour ago, where everything I had been feeling, everything I have seen was blown to extremes. For instance, my own family was pretty much treating me like shit, making me an outcast by thanking everyone else for stuff they had done, but constantly rubbing my face into what I did wrong. I was alone... but then again, i guess that isn't blown to extremes because it is true. And just everything around me was completely against me, which i have been feeling at times. The dream ended with... me putting a bullet in my head... I woke up unable to breathe at all, so I grabbed my inhaler and took a couple of puffs (I have asthma) and then I laid back down attempting to sleep again, and I started crying. For the life of me, I could not stop the tears from flowing down my face. How the fuck am I supposed to take a dream like this? What the hell is wrong with me if I am having dreams in which I end my own life? I'm just getting really tired... tired of being pushed to the ground. And I'm worried that this time, I may not be able to get back up.

Hmmm... Am I ok or not?

2008-05-02T16:10:22Z

I have to ask myself that question everyday after I wake up. Not really sure what is going on in my life. Not sure what I want, what I need, what I desire, what I long for. Its all a blur to me.

I have realized that i am rather self-destructive when it comes to relationships. Funny thing is, I either feel like I get bored of the person, or maybe that I think that there is someone else out there for me. I have also picked out some of the smallest details about someone. Their size, weight, anything really.

I'm wondering what I should do. I have been told from someone that maybe I should just stay single for a while. But right now, I just really feel like I need someone. I feel alone, isolated. I still have yet to have a real relationship, and from the looks of it, it doesnt seem like I will...

*sighs* I dont know what to do anymore...

Voice Post:

2008-02-09T05:49:46Z

Voice Post:

2008-01-28T03:33:37Z

And it all amounts to nothing...

2008-01-21T08:10:13Z

Ever just feel like curling into a ball and crying and not sleeping at all?
Ever felt so lonely that you feel secluded from the rest of the world?
Ever want to wish amnesia upon yourself just to make the pain go away?
If so... welcome to my world...

Im single again... in the beginning it wasnt so bad. But then... It hurt to know that he wasnt phased at all and may already start sleeping around. Was I really holding him back? Am I that terrible of a person because I want manogomy? I am now... so alone... I have nothing. I have few friends... no love... I have nothing....... nothing....... nothing.

Warning, Emoness to follow.

2008-01-19T04:45:20Z

God... I feel like shit.

I am feeling increadibly lonely and depressed. It is one of those times where you feel like you dont have any friends. Well, I do, but all of them are too fucking far away.

I also feel like my life of fun is over before it even really started. I have never been invited to a real party, just shitty birthday parties. And I know I never will be invited to a party... no one gives a shit about Jer. No one thinks to invite me to the fun. Nope, I dont need fun at all... I'm happy just sitting at home and doing absolutely fucking nothing.

*sighs* I want to get away... from everything. Yet at the same time, I want everyone around me. I have an entire fucking buddy list which has over 60 people in it... and no one talks to me. Not even my fucking boyfriend. I have to contact everyone else first. Just for once... I would love for everyone to just contact me at once... I really kinda need it... I dont feel loved at all right now.

Well, I'm going to curl into a ball now and pretend I have someone cuddled up to me. Have a nice day everyone.

School sux x_x

2007-12-22T21:16:10Z

Weelp, I have officially dropped out of college now. I am no longer in Bellevue, so i will not be able to go to any meets until I move back, which could be anytime until this summer. I will be going to Olympic College in the meantime so i dont have the evil nazi loan people practically begging me for money after 6 months of no schooling. Once I can be absolutely sure that i can get a place in Bellevue, I will be able to move back there. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! IF ANYONE, A-N-Y-O-N-E has an an opening for a roommate that is fairly cheap, then please, let me know. I am a nice person and I try my best to clean up after myself. I just really need a place to stay up there. I hate my family and I cannot stay down here or I will go absolutely fucking crazy. Leave me a comment if you have anyone has a place where i can stay.

YAYZ!!!

2007-12-03T23:24:37Z

jonathansfox YAY! :D

Feelin weird

2007-12-03T17:10:44Z

Hm... I've been feeling kinda weird. My stomach hurts and something just doesnt feel right.
Usually this is a sign that I am making a bad decision or something... its really odd, almost like I am feeling terrible for my actions.

I dont know what to do... I dont know what to change... I... I....
*farts*

Oh... wait... I feel better now ^^. It was just gas :D

Another Beautiful Night

2007-12-03T07:03:51Z

"Oh, It's such a beautiful night... I think I'll kill myself.

"What else is there to do? It's so incredibly lovely, and it's not as if anyone is gonna drop by, though, on nights like this, I wish somebody would. I really don't want to be alone right now... fuck.

"Another one of those nights...

"Well, this time...

"I'll make sure...

"There aren't any more!!!

"No more dreaming for real friends! No more stars for me to be alone under!! NO MORE!! I'm blowing through that lid...

"I'm going over the stars.

"Something's gone wrong with me. I know that. This place has made me sick, somehow. All I smell is the shit in this diseased reality. All I can see is things full of rot and riddled with stingers.

"Time for something new!!

"Over the stars..."

>"WAAAIT!!

>"Don't do it... killing yourself isn't the answer"

"Like hell it isn't Nail Bunny! You don't know what it's like! You couldn't even imagine the things I've done!"

>"You bought me at a pet store, fed me once, then nailed me to this wall, three years ago. I don't have to imagine. But, just listen to me!"

"FUCK YOU!! YOU LIE!! You just want to keep me writhing on this rusting blade! To keep me in this place!"

>>"You're right! The filthy rabbit is lying! Indeedydoody! The only way out of the pain is through a bullet in your head! Your body is the anchor keeping your from flying! Over the stars!!"

"Yes..."

>"No, Johnny! He's the liar! You can get help! Please don't do anything stupid! There have to be people out there, somewhere, who can help you! Different from those who have hurt you! Yes!"

"NO! IMPOSSIBLE! TOO LATE! I CAN ONLY SEE THE THINGS I DESPISE! SO SHUT UP!! PLEEEASE!!"

>>"Bad, bad lying bunny!!! You misguide him! Keep silent! Keep silent! Our boy is in need of this cure, and it must be taken through the skin, so let him pull the fucking trigger!"

>"You're not crazy Johnny! You're not! Look! You and I, we're having a perfectly sane discussion, yes?!"

"Well... I guess so. I mean, you've always been pretty straight with me through the years. Maybe you're right. Maybe I can get help."

>>"Johnny C!! Your infection deludes you. You can wash away every last drop of blood from these walls, but the walls of your mind remain forever stained!! HA!! YOU ARE BEYOND REDEMPTION!!!"

"THAT'S IT!! NO MORE!!"

>>>"HEY!!! That commercial where the whole family gets diarrhea is on!!!"

>>>>"Mommy! AAAAAAAARGH *sploosh!*"

Crisis Averted.

Note: No, I am not suicidal right now, nor am I depressed in any way. The nights have just been beautiful lately and it reminded me of this particular page of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. Please don't comment asking if I am ok, lol.

BACK AT HOME!!! YAY!

2007-11-26T01:08:27Z

ZOMG, I am back in Bellevue and I have never been happier. God life in Kitsap is sooooooo boring.

Im a little energetic right now O.o. Must be due to happiness ^^.

So yeah, back at my tiny apartment and starting school again tomorrow. I am actually excited :O.

Just have to remember to do some of my assignments. I kinda have a little bit of a load i have to do x_x.

Anyways, i am taking off soon, Talk to ya'll laters :P

Such a Beautiful Night

2007-11-24T06:45:03Z

*sigh*
It is such a beautiful night tonight. Full moon, bright stars, cold crisp air.
*sighs again*
It is times like this that i wish i had someone to share such a beautiful night with. I would have offers open to me, but right now I am out in the middle of nowhere, at home for Thanksgiving. I will be back on Sunday, so that is a good thing. Just been feeling VERY cuddly lately, and I am still hoping that i will meet anything close to a soulmate.
...
Ahhh, need to change the mood here. This entire thing may sound depressing, but I am actually rather happy... just been feeling a little needy, but I am ok :P.

I should talk some more about myself. I am a short college student, learning video game programming. I rather enjoy it, even though it can be very difficult at times.

*starts dancing in place* I am bored. I tend to dance in place a bit when i am bored :P. People find me weird O.o. I think they are weird for thinking i am weird, lolz.